My one and only fear about babies...

In general, pregnancy, birth, and kids don't scare me. I'm very confidant with my body, especially after having Mori, and honestly I'm looking forward to the actual labor. Of course, the pregnancy kinda sucks, but oh well, it's liveable.

The thing that terrifies me the most about parenting is the chance that we could have a special needs/early/something-wrong situation. This is why I refuse to have more than three children... in fact, two is stretching it.

Warning: This next paragraph is heartless.

This fear of having a "something-wrong" child stems from a deep-belief in Darwin's theory of evolution. In this day and age, that kind of thinking gets people in trouble. The way I think: I am a healthy, smart, female... I mated with a healthy, smart, male. We have things to give to the society. Therefor, any mutated, not-healthy offspring we have are not fit to carry our genes, and therefor shouldn't reproduce. To me, 'bad' offspring would be inferior. I would not be able to take care of them.

I have a good friend who had a placenta rupture very early on in her pregnancy. The baby was saved (he was 25? weeks, I think.), but will most likely have mental and physical problems his whole life. This situation terrifies me, because if it was me on that table getting C-sectioned, that early on, I would not let them save the baby. It sounds heartless, it really does, but to me, it's common sense. What would that baby ever have to give to the world? In nature, back when we were 'animals', would that baby have lived? No. He wouldn't have. The chances even of mom living would have been slim.

But in this time period, we don't think like that. We coddle. We "help" Nature by saving a life here, prolonging life there. We play god, determining who lives and dies. To believe that Nature knows what it's doing is "heartless", or "disturbing", or "insensitive" or worse. I've been called an "emotional enuch" because I mentioned if I had an early baby, I would probably request no "playing god". If I can't have a healthy baby, I don't want a baby, at all. Because, honestly, I would not be able to care for it. I would not, emotionally, be able to handle it. This is why I hope, and I pray, that this birth will be normal.

I see it in Nature all the time. In my future-career, it will come up. People euthanize animals because of this. They're deformed, so they're put down. They're in pain, so they're put down. It makes sense to me. There are no live-saving methods for a bitch who's just had a stillborn puppy... It's accepted that there was something wrong with that puppy, and he wouldn't have lived anyway. Hell, horses are put down because they're leg is broken, because the effort and time and resources it would take to heal are more than the worth of the horse, 90% of the time.

This is why I could never work with humans, medically. I could never, ever. I would be sued before my first day was over, because humans are worth more than "animals", and Nature's way doesn't apply to us. And, sorry, the whole "But that premature baby you 'killed' could have grown up to cure cancer!" thing doesn't hit me. I don't believe that putting a child, or a parent, through that much emotional trauma, medical trauma, perhaps physical pain, is worth the .0000000001% chance. Call me heartless, callous, or whatever. It's how I think.