Lately I've been in a "what-if" mood.

What if, I hadn't moved to Ohio? What if I hadn't met Ben? What if I hadn't joined the army? What if Mori hadn't been born?

Life would, obviously, be completely different.

I can count on one hand the times I've regretted moving to Ohio... and not necessarily the move to be with Ben, but even the move to Dayton to begin with. This is one of those times. On one hand, I wouldn't have Ben, and Mori, and Scout. On the other hand... I would have friends. Good friends. Aged like fine cheddar. Friends who know me as well, if not better, than I know myself. Friends I'm not nervous around or careful around or not myself around because they know me. They know my quirks. They know my touch obsession. They don't care.

Fuzzy and Mikki are still in Saint Louis. Tony, and Sra. People I could call and say "Hey, meet me at Steak n Shake!" and someone would. Or I could say "Come over." and that night, someone would be curled up next to me, just for the comfort of physical touch. Not even sexual... just touch.

I didn't realize what a blessing it is to have friends like that until I lost them. And Tony... I loved Tony too much to honestly love him. Now I realize that.

And it would be different if it was like Mikki, where he was at school, but could come home... I'm never coming 'home'. Future plans do not include moving back to STL, or even really visiting STL that much. I'm stuck here, in Columbus, feeling 95% friendless, my 'touch' meter woefully low. Missing the closeness, and the freedom.

Hell, even my "Ohio friends" aren't here. They're in Cinci, or Piketon, or Dayton - two hours away, at best.

So, where would I be now, if I had never moved? Probably living at home. Probably going to Meramec. Probably working at Steak n Shake or the mall. Hopefully on the track to a degree. Maybe with Mikki? I'd be there to help my dad. I'd be there to bitch about my mom to Fuzzy or Mikki. I'd be there to visit Beej and help Reggie as she gets ready for the Navy. I'd be there for my grandparents... because they're fading fast.

I'd be THERE. I wouldn't have to have a hasty flight to STL when my dad's back went out, because I would have been there. I would have held his hand while he cried.

Fuck, even Jan is back in STL. Even he was there. He was there. And I hate him because of it.

But I wouldn't have Ben.
But I do have Ben, and that's almost a problem. Because he's not like me. He can go days without touching... He has no 'need'. He's not a social person, he doesn't 'need' friends. He's happy with his metal and computers and whatever the fuck else he brings home from work. Emotionally he's bland, so laid back it's hard to even figure out what, if anything, he's thinking.

There was never a more mismatched pair as us. Touch-obsessed social butterfly city girl versus emotionally carefree loner country boy.

And yet... I love him.

Where is the justice in that? Why did I have to give up so much for... this? To be lonely, depressed, looking around and saying "What about me?". To feel forgotten... ignored, and since it's not his fault, I can't even retaliate. We've talked it out, we've tried to compromise, but in this situation it's just moot. You can't change the core of your being... and our cores are so radically different that we'll never fully mesh.

But knowing that, and accepting that, doesn't fill this raw, gaping hole. And this half-wish for time to turn back isn't eased by knowing life will stay this way, probably forever.