Energy, moods, and kids

It's amazing how in-tune Mori is to me.

I felt my blood sugar drop about half an hour ago... and I mean honestly felt it. One second I was fine, playing with Mori, the next second I felt like crap. Poor Mori reacted in the same way... she went from fun and giggling to crying.

I hate being pregnant. I honestly do. Some women have that 'glow'? Not me. I have zits. Some women breeze through the first trimester? Not me! Nope. I get puking, passing-out, losing-weight months.

I find it amusing that the only thing I like about being pregnant is feeling a bump and the actual labor.

This morning I did manage to get two loads of laundry and a load of dishes done, though. I also bought some solar cells on Ebay to play around with and try to make a panel out of. I've had lots of water and moved Mori's previously-unused toy container to the kitchen, where it's now half-filled. I've checked on the chickies and dogs.

I still have to:

Write an essay.
Clean dishes off the cpu table.
Get Mori's toys all put away/organized.
Empty vacuum and vacuum kitchen and livingroom.
Pack up yarn.
Go through livingroom and pick up all the freaking trash.
Do another load of laundry.
Stick chicken in the oven for dinner.

If I can get all that done by 7pm, I'll be happy with my day.

Also, this is the first day in my pregnancy that I've kept down both my prenatal and my fish oil pills. Normally I bring up at least the fish oil... but today I kept them both down! Yayy!

Signing out,
Ket

Tragedy of the Doran Family

Tuesday, July 22nd, Bette (aka "Granny") Doran passed away.

It was a shock to everyone, because she was happy and seemingly healthy Sunday at Morrigan's birthday party. She was 81 years old and died of a brain aneurysm.

The services were today. Ben and I went. It was... rough. It's still rough. Despite only knowing her about two years, Bette was much like a grandmother to me... she accepted me from the first day, even before Ben and I were married, and I really treasured our relationship. She thought the world of Mori and was overjoyed to hear about baby #2. She was a sweet, wonderful woman who was full of love and compassion, and she will be missed.

She is survived by her husband, Al; children, Gayle, Rusty, and Mike; grandchildren Ben and Dan; and great-grandchild Morrigan.

Please spare a brief moment of silence for this remarkable woman. May her soul rest easy in Heaven.

Thank you.

-Ket

Lately I've been in a "what-if" mood.

What if, I hadn't moved to Ohio? What if I hadn't met Ben? What if I hadn't joined the army? What if Mori hadn't been born?

Life would, obviously, be completely different.

I can count on one hand the times I've regretted moving to Ohio... and not necessarily the move to be with Ben, but even the move to Dayton to begin with. This is one of those times. On one hand, I wouldn't have Ben, and Mori, and Scout. On the other hand... I would have friends. Good friends. Aged like fine cheddar. Friends who know me as well, if not better, than I know myself. Friends I'm not nervous around or careful around or not myself around because they know me. They know my quirks. They know my touch obsession. They don't care.

Fuzzy and Mikki are still in Saint Louis. Tony, and Sra. People I could call and say "Hey, meet me at Steak n Shake!" and someone would. Or I could say "Come over." and that night, someone would be curled up next to me, just for the comfort of physical touch. Not even sexual... just touch.

I didn't realize what a blessing it is to have friends like that until I lost them. And Tony... I loved Tony too much to honestly love him. Now I realize that.

And it would be different if it was like Mikki, where he was at school, but could come home... I'm never coming 'home'. Future plans do not include moving back to STL, or even really visiting STL that much. I'm stuck here, in Columbus, feeling 95% friendless, my 'touch' meter woefully low. Missing the closeness, and the freedom.

Hell, even my "Ohio friends" aren't here. They're in Cinci, or Piketon, or Dayton - two hours away, at best.

So, where would I be now, if I had never moved? Probably living at home. Probably going to Meramec. Probably working at Steak n Shake or the mall. Hopefully on the track to a degree. Maybe with Mikki? I'd be there to help my dad. I'd be there to bitch about my mom to Fuzzy or Mikki. I'd be there to visit Beej and help Reggie as she gets ready for the Navy. I'd be there for my grandparents... because they're fading fast.

I'd be THERE. I wouldn't have to have a hasty flight to STL when my dad's back went out, because I would have been there. I would have held his hand while he cried.

Fuck, even Jan is back in STL. Even he was there. He was there. And I hate him because of it.

But I wouldn't have Ben.
But I do have Ben, and that's almost a problem. Because he's not like me. He can go days without touching... He has no 'need'. He's not a social person, he doesn't 'need' friends. He's happy with his metal and computers and whatever the fuck else he brings home from work. Emotionally he's bland, so laid back it's hard to even figure out what, if anything, he's thinking.

There was never a more mismatched pair as us. Touch-obsessed social butterfly city girl versus emotionally carefree loner country boy.

And yet... I love him.

Where is the justice in that? Why did I have to give up so much for... this? To be lonely, depressed, looking around and saying "What about me?". To feel forgotten... ignored, and since it's not his fault, I can't even retaliate. We've talked it out, we've tried to compromise, but in this situation it's just moot. You can't change the core of your being... and our cores are so radically different that we'll never fully mesh.

But knowing that, and accepting that, doesn't fill this raw, gaping hole. And this half-wish for time to turn back isn't eased by knowing life will stay this way, probably forever.

I think I like stabbing myself repeatedly...

Mentally, at least.

I tend to dig up things that shouldn't be dug up. Just to inflict the pain upon myself. Friendships or old relationships that really don't need to be rememebered, people who I haven't spoken to for years, that sort of thing.

And, then, of course, I contact these people... and have nothing to say. "Oh, hey, remember me from, uh, four years ago? Yeah! How are you?" You can only keep a conversation going for so long when you start off like that.

Why can't I just let things go? I dunno. Maybe it's nostalgia. Maybe it's masochism. Maybe i'm yearning for that time when such-and-such was going good or who knows, maybe I'm just fucking lonely.

Despite having friends, none of them are close... and even if they were, they're not the kind of friends you attach yourself too, you know? I'm really hoping school will help this, because I'm a bit sick of being alone.

Anyway, kudos. Just had to think out loud.

My... head... ugh

I swear I have a headache the size of Montana. Pounding, throbbing, right behind my left eye. It's driving me kookoo.

Ben came home two hours early yesterday because he wasn't feeling good. He walked in, went "Oh, Mori exploded the house!", looking around. I giggled. "Honey, she does this every day... I just spend a half hour frantically cleaning it up before you get home!"

So now he's seen the carnage that is our daughter.

Do you think an IPod would be considered a "school expense" if I used it at school? Cause, yeah, on that two hour drive, I'd like to have some music. Yaknow, to listen to.

I had this weird dream about school last night... Basically I want going to classes and I kept going to the wrong one, but I didn't have a copy of my schedule so I didn't know which one to go to? And a couple of people from high school were there, making fun of me because I kept going to the wrong class. So, of course, this morning I jumped on here and memorized my schedule... again. It hasn't changed in two weeks.

We close on the house in a couple of weeks, too. We finally sold it... Got a little less than Ben wanted but enough to pay off his bike, which will free up $200/month to pay off everything else. Helllllloooooo, snowball! I also plan on stealing a good portion of the sale money to repay the stupid student loan and get it over with so I either don't have to borrow again or can pay off what I'm supposed to be borrowing. I've heard so many horror stories about student loans that I don't really want to mess with them, but I also don't have the $500 or so out of pocket that it'll cost for all my books, calculator, supplies, etc. Sooo... give and take, I guess.

We have a visitor until monday... a (looks purebred) Boxer puppy who I found trotting limply down the side of the road. His front paw is pretty much mashed... If we had the money for the vet, I'd keep him, but it'll cost a good $200-1000 just to fix up his paw, and we just don't have it... So I guess Monday he goes to the dog shelter, where they will probably put him down because THEY can't afford to fix his paw either. :-/ He doesn't have tags on, but he does have collars, so maybe he's chipped and they can scan the chip. And figure out who he belongs to. He seems like a real sweet dog, and I hate to think they won't take care of him. :-/

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm going to go curl up with my book and enjoy the half an hour I get while Mori naps. Tata!